When do we stop loving ourselves as children (Introducing "The Four Agreements")
- stardustwitchshop
- Nov 3, 2023
- 4 min read
When we were young children, we loved to laugh, to create, to be lovingly accepted by others. When does this stop? Is it during preschool or kindergarten, when we are taught to stifle our emotions, taught to laugh less and focus more, or is it before that. Is it when our parents or caregivers try to shape us to fit in with the "other" children? I am not talking about abuse or neglect, though many of us struggle to love ourselves due to such childhood traumas; I am talking about being quiet when playing, or not running up to children and playing with them instantly. I am talking about the little girls that need to stop wrestling and horsing around and the little boys who are told not to play with "girly" toys and forced not to cry when they are hurt or sad.
All of this, accompanied by our education system which expects children to behave like adults in a work environment, rather than taking advantage of their agility and imagination and endless capacity for friendship and love. By the time we have reached third through fifth grade, we have learned that laughter is disruptive and silence is the glue that holds the class together. Add these together and a few dashes of expectations on appearance and thoughts and you have a youth who cannot love themselves (nor others) completely because they have been told to stop being themselves, to act and look like the others (who are looking at you while they judge themselves), and to be a nearly "perfect" child, student, future citizen, and friend. How can they do any of this and be happy with themselves?
When I hit my thirties I felt a pull between societal expectations and who I felt I was. I felt I had to constantly apologize for being less than expected. I was anxious (still am sometimes) around people I didn't know closely, because I felt as though I was instantly seen as less-than. I felt as though I made mistake after mistake, simply because I felt as though people did not approve of nor like who I was. One day, I asked someone if I had upset them, because they seemed so upset by me being around. They said, "I mean this with so much love, it is not always about you." I felt a pit swell in my throat, I felt offended because I felt they had said I was being selfish. Then they spoke further, "I read a book recently and I think you would benefit so much from it."
The book was The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz and it discusses how, through life we begin to adhere to so many expectations or agreements; primarily via our formative years at home and then in school. The author discusses how we only have to live by four simple agreements: Be impeccable with your word, Don't take anything personally, Don't make assumptions, and Always do your best.
I did not read it when they had first recommended it to me, it wasn't until the second or third person recommended the book, that I finally read this book. I cannot say the book instantly changed my life and that I am now free from all my previous agreements, but I can say that as I have tried to live by these agreements, I have found where so many of my previous fears and expectations had been so difficult to live with. I found that I made assumptions about what others thought of me and then I took those assumptions (accompanied with any information I had gathered) and I took it personally. Usually after this I did not speak impeccably to myself at all. This all furthered my anxiety and sadness.
Even while working on this very post, I hear thoughts that tell me it's not worth my time or energy because no one will read this or people will think my content is meaningless and will help no one. I know these thoughts are untrue, because many people in my personal life have told me how much my knowledge on this topic has positively effected their lives. Years ago, I would not have been able to decipher the difference between "my" thoughts and those of others who have hurt me with their words.
Journal Exercise:
Write down at least three beliefs you hold/held and how they effect(ed) your life.
For example, when I was younger my father (whom I no longer speak with) told me I was stupid and that I should have failed the third grade but I barely scraped by "because the teacher pitied me". I believed this, because he was my father and he "knew everything" and when I went on to my fourth grade year I believed I would do horrible in school because I was so stupid. I took me years to realize that I was not stupid and that my father had projected his own fears, his own doubt of his intelligence, on to me. This belief, this lie, that I held onto for so many years prevented me from pursuing honor classes and advanced placement (AP) classes.
If you have the time (and the means) pick up a copy, many libraries have it and maybe even a friend or family member of yours has already read it and can lend you a copy.
Overdrive (online library)
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